November 1, 2022
Denver, CO
(API)

 FEMA Director Criswell denies the agency is set up re-location “camps.” Criswell said, “we provide temporary emergency housing for events like hurricanes. We don’t do ‘camps.’ FEMA has been involved in housing people during emergencies for decades.

“The rumors of camps have come from right-wing extremists like Alex Jones and other gadfly attention seekers,” said an insider speaking off the record. “Its been a thing for decades now. It must be a slow news week for them.”

However, Newsmin is reporting that these emergency shelters are occupied, yet it is not hurricane season. When asked about the facility in South Texas, FEMA spokesperson Kelly said “we have ongoing operations to house incoming non-traditional migrants” and refused a question regarding a photo presented, possibly from a drone, showing white middle-aged men congregating inside. Newsmin reports that “irregular migrants” coming over the Texas-Mexican border may be of different races, but rarely are White.

FEMA’s statement also contradicted Colorado state representatives who cheered the roundup of suspected “insurrectionists” linked to the radical opposition of LGBTQ rights and CRT in their local public schools.

Professor of Philosophy Marguerite Sanger says, “White men complain about concentration camps? Where were they in World War Two when the Japanese Americans were interned?”

Veritas, a discredited fake new group, posted videos from outside the camp of Spanish speaking military aged men guarding the camp.

When asked to comment on this, Senator Chuck Schumer said, “yes, I am aware of that. This was a great opportunity, as former President Obama said recently, of taking a situation and making the most of it. We have many unemployed young men — new Americans — and we have hired them to protect others while they are in temporary housing.”

Schumer added, “it is my understanding that they (FEMA) are working with Housing and Urban Development to place those traditional Americans in abandoned housing in Detroit and Pittsburgh. It really sounds like a win-win situation.”

Following up with FEMA on this, Spokesperson Kelly said “I’ll have to circle back to you on that — we don’t want to speak on behalf of Housing and Urban Development.”

Noted Domestic Violence advocate Gorgga Jackson, when reached for comment, said, “it is standard practice in every domestic conflict to remove one party from the scene.  There is no place for violence, ever. This is best practices, just like we do on DV (domestic violence) cases — one party must be removed for everyone’s safety.”

Steve Bannon said, “this is outrageous — Americans in concentration camps. We will act boldly, but will color within the lines.”

Off the record, a White House insider quipped on Bannon’s podcast: “We love Steve Bannon. He keeps the troglodytes busy, thinking they are making a difference. Look who just got appointed to SCOTUS.”

The Reverend Cory Partner, of Cathedral Church outside of Dallas, Texas, says of the rumors of incarcerations in Texas are not rumors: “I’ve had folks tell me they have relatives incarcerated there. But our responsibility as Christians, according to Romans 13, is to obey the authorities, so we’ve been very cooperative when federal agents make inquiries about some of our former members.”

“The worst thing that can happen,” said the Reverend Tilla Aberson, Rector at Saint John the Divine church in Arlington, Virginia,  “is if a large group finds a common set of anti-democratic beliefs.  That would be the death knell of our democracy.  It scares me when extremist talk of a “Christian” society or nation — those all harken back to times or racism and homophobia.”

When asked if they had a right to have their opinions and freely associate, Rev. Aberson responded, “the Constitution is not a suicide pact. The authorities are doing this for their [the detained] own protection and the safety of our diverse and inclusive democracy.”

Bill Gates, noted entrepreneur, said “we just signed a contract with FEMA to provide meatless protein foods. We’ve done some really neat modifications to the DNA of the input substances — I think this public-private partnership is the future.”

Asked what Gates meant, Future Meat spokesperson Roberta Martey said, “the meat we produce is from plant and insect products that have been genetically changed. We call it Food 2.0. We engineered it to enhance the chemistry of the consumers, just like the mRNA vaccines have saved so many millions of lives.”

BREAKING: Governor Newsome Responds to Reports of “Contractors” replacing local police in California’s big cities: “We have a contract through the United Nations, to provide community advocates to protect our most vulnerable citizens,” he said. “Traditional policing, with its inherent racism, just wasn’t working.”

As the older generation retired our quit, Newsome explained, “we now have a mix of “new Americans” aligned with the racial and linguistic characteristics of the communities.  And we other international partners who can do the heavy lifting in regard to addressing systemic racism, xenophobia and homophobia. It’s better because they don’t have any dual loyalties — they are quite efficient,” add protecting the hard cases. “They don’t want to be protected, we understand that,” said Newsome.” But the fact is we are doing them a favor — they are isolated from minority communities who may act violently toward historical Americans, so we have them in temporary quarters until things cool down.”

“The camps are to protect those living there, and also to protect American democracy,” said Republican Senator Mitt Romney. “Those are domestic enemies stirring up racial hatred and working directly with the Russians to undermine our country. They should never be let out.”

(This is not fake news, it’s future news.)